The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
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If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
My torso when sleeping: “Make it 96 degrees and toasty please”
My arms and legs while sleeping: “Is this hell? I think we’re in hell! Abandon all blankets”
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?