Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now

Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet

My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.

I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away

Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!

EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.

me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time

onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog

“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon

optimus prime: did she just wink at me?

me: i think she’s turning left

Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?

I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory

me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?

cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail

even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side

Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?

“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”

-let me see your phone real quick

“You’re smothering me. I need some space”

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”

Me: “Santa died”

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.

Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.

Pastor: For better, for worse?

Husbands: Sure.

P: In sickness and in health?

H: Yep.

P: Till death do you part?

H: I do.

P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.

H: Hang on … what?

Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?

Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes

Therapist: So around what, five?

Me: Seven this morning

*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*

Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.

Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.

*click

Wife: We named you after Grandma

Me: Yes that was my idea!

Grandma: They all laugh at me at school

If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.

Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.

I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer