Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause

Talking to Europeans about healthcare feels like when you’re a kid and your rich friend shows you his toys.
“Wow you got the ambulance ride AND hernia surgery?? Oh. No, no, not me. I got the Uber and off-brand ice pack. Yeah they said it’s basically as good as the real thing.”

Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.

Im at the swamp does anyone need anything

[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni

Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles

Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword

Me: *sweating*

My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.

[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW

*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.

~Wine tasting, you pervs!

I think we should hear other voices.

I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.

Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.

Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right

*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*

Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*

Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”

I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.

the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh

Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you

This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses

Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.

banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball

7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.

told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”

it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.

me linking you to my twitter

I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.