Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so no one told you life was gonna be this way

Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers

We are the people our parents warned us about.

I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november

I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .

-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.

Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning

me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go

God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.

Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.

What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”

I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?

Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.

[waxing salon]

ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.

ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?

ME: No, I don’t need that many.

I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer

Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult

wtf

Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.

In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.

FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit

ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids

FRIEND: no it’s the best

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m extremely flexible

professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?

me: no problem

Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.

Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”

I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.

This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’