Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward

Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise

Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty

Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy

Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back

Marty: it’s just bread

Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother

Marty: what?

Doc Brown: what, what?

Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one

My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool

Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.

*limbos away from your hug*

You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction

Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $2,000.

Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…

Me: I have a weekend immune system.

Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.

can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?

I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.

I just have a thing for really bad cookies.

*wife is out of town*

Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?

*looks around and shrugs*

Screw it. This is my house.

*falls into toilet at 3AM*

If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.

Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.

Me: Yea, the nursing home…

Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.

My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.

If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.

Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?

ME: Getting out of corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?

ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?

ME: Guess this is my time to shine.

him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere

Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.

~ my pants right now

Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter

Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.

Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.

[first date]

HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-

ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU

i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent

Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?

Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter

Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.

(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.