The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
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[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
shampoo implies shampee
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Going to look at the small picture for a while. Tired of seeing the big picture. Too much picture.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”