Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room

[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell

A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!

I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.

2020: Everyone needs to count their steps every day!
2025: How walking is actually killing you.

So many cheeses would work as baby names:

Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat

would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?

ME: shape shifting

INTERVIEWER: is that so?

INTERVIEWER: yes

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”

“my name is Denise”

I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people

My New Year’s resolutions:

1. Stop making lists.

B. Be more consistent.

7. Learn to count.

[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then

some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe

My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.

Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?

Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER

My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.

Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.

Me: Okay.

Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!

Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?

Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?

Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.

A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.

Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.

[opens car door for wife]

WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway

“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”

90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.

If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.

72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response

“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.

The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.

I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.

I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.

At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.