The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
You Might Also Like
“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
is it just me or are we all a little bit disappointed whenever they lift a tsunami warning
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
do u think theres a butter planet?
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.