The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
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Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*
Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.
Producer: We need to take your shoes—
Me: I quit.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
The real reason evolution started..😂
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
