The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
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Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
I just ran a .003048K
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Thursday
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian