The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
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Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
I’m about to risk it all
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Miscakes
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.