The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
You Might Also Like
My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
I occasionally drink every single night.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.