The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
You Might Also Like
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad