The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
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Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Me :
All Day At Night
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”