The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
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GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what