Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.

a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.

Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq

the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week

“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”

“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”

Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.

You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.

[a commercial for tampons]

Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for

“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”

Narrator: “Tampons”

Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas

Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami

Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.

Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.

“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.

Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.

I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.

Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti

I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach

[during sex]

me: imma turn the ceiling fan on

giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo

Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’

Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low

roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]

BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist

do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge

I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.

As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases