The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
You Might Also Like
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.