@jeffswarens

The wife just walked out of the store with bags and didn’t notice me standing here. Maybe I need to put 75% off on my T-shirt

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@Ristolable

I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”

@IanDouglasTerry

Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.

@gvicks

Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……

@AbbyHasIssues

A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.

@Parkerlawyer

Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”

-me, walking into the kitchen

@urgeekisshowing

I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.

@sixfootcandy

If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.

If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.

This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.

@NintenDom

Sorry about all the Mario references. I didn’t mean to one-up you. I’ll pipe down.

@KalvinMacleod

I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.

@funnyordie

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew