my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
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Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
😜
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.