The wife just walked out of the store with bags and didn’t notice me standing here. Maybe I need to put 75% off on my T-shirt

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I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
“Nope. Green.”


Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.


Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……


A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.


Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”

-me, walking into the kitchen


I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.


If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.

If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.

This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.


Sorry about all the Mario references. I didn’t mean to one-up you. I’ll pipe down.


I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.


Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew