The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
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I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda