Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”

[murder scene]

Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail

SD2- Let’s track him down

*10 hours later*

SD1-Damn that guy is fast

half of twitter is horny, half is depressed and the other half don’t know how to do math

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”

“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter

my gf opening a package: i need something sharp

me: okay 🙂

her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u

me: okay 🙁

What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?

Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?

me: I need to speak with the megaster

megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers

Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

Dogs lick you because they love you.

Cats lick you to see if you’re delicious yet.

[getting completely dominated in a street fight]

ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules

Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now

Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”

Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.

Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.

I have many caverns

Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.

Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.

I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”

Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?

Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.

Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.

Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?

Me: your what?

Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: I’m confused

Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: *crying* someone help me

BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?

ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?

BOSS: Sure. Busy day?

ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.

When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?

I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older

If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.

I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas

[Quarantine]

Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.

Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?

Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES

With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.