The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
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I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.