The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding
I can’t stop watching this.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
