The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
I’m never leaving this app.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no
“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”
Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
