The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
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chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
When a shoelace touches your ankle
That’s enough internet for the day
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.
Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.