Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on

31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.

So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?

My diet starts in January

of 2027

Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…

Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov

My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….

Flirting is easy!

Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar

My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.

estão todos miauvindo?

“We’re promoting you to Anchor”

Reporters: 🙂

Sailors: 🙁

I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.

[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you like

HER: I really get off on exhibitionism

ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool

*scampers over to ice cream truck*

Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.

Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up

Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck

Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*

Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this

Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm

Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.

my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch

I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!

My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.

Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”

Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.

@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉

“I really like Eminem.”

” I prefer smarties.”

“No, the rapper.”

“Why would you eat the wrapper?”

#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes

Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!

My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.

My ex’s were all super hot

I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling