The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
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ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.