The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
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*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
*eats only grass-fed donuts
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
I gave up going to work for lent.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo