@a_simpl_man

The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:

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@TalibJim

Guys WhatsApp status be like “at the gym” since 2014…. Brother are you going to fight Brock Lesnar or just trying to get 12 pack??!!!

@ChillE_ConCarne

When my child is born I’ll paint flames on him so when I stand with the other parents at the nursery I can say “Thats my son. The fast one.”

@ItsAndyRyan

Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s

@krisv_723

I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.

@IamJackBoot

I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.

@murrman5

*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”

@green_eyed_doll

Relationship status:

Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.

@badtweetist

*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*

@RealCarrotFacts

You can tuck a carrot into bed , but it won’t know what you are doing because he’s a carrot