The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:

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Guys WhatsApp status be like “at the gym” since 2014…. Brother are you going to fight Brock Lesnar or just trying to get 12 pack??!!!


When my child is born I’ll paint flames on him so when I stand with the other parents at the nursery I can say “Thats my son. The fast one.”


Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s


I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.


I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.


*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”


Relationship status:

Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.


*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*


You can tuck a carrot into bed , but it won’t know what you are doing because he’s a carrot