the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this
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When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked