the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this
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ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
I support this random dude and all his protests
