Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.

Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing

you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun

Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.

My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends

When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.

Me: *walking in front of husband at store*

Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”

Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*

Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway

FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”

[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]

ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor

CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this

[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?

Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.

You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you

A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through

me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No

I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.

Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.

My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.

This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.

My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?

who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?

(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)

SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer

Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.

Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.

my astrological sign is a french fry

If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.

Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies

I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.

If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.