The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
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Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Dog owners: we did two years of research and carefully picked the most suitable breed
Cat owners: I took garbage out one night
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
i choose….tongue
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.