Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not you.

Just the things you say, think, and do.

Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads

real

My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.

Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.

It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”

Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?

Super Hand Dog Face

Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk

I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids

Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.

ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?

Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.

Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]

Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin

Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.

*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*

me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code

the internet really was better 18 years ago

*First Date

Her: Why are we at Home Depot?

Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.

oh she’s cooked

Him:You married?

Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?

H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-

M:SO I’M UGLY?

H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry

Doctors texting each other.

I think costco should be the next president of the united states

Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.

I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.

my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?