Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Let’s go out tonight.

Me: It’s a work night and very late.

Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.

Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?

I have said this before, but it’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle

If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.

Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.

guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here

microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”

Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.

– texts to my bed

Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.

I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.

Friend: I’m getting married

Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?

‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.

I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.

A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.

Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.

Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?

Me: *throwing up*

Doctor: Ralph it is then.

The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket

Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.

Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much

[saturday, 5am]

no one:

no one at all:

delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!

[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…

“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?

I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.

I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.

My goal weight is:

2020 never happened.

Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.

Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call