Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”

I’m never asking anyone out on a date again

I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.

Telling everyone I’m premed…

(short for premeditating their murder)

Your restraining order says NO

But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.

The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait

8: [gives dog good morning kisses]

wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!

8: the dog’s cute

me: everybody run

Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice

I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.

I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.

18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.

Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.

Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill

me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?

car mechanic: no

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.

by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids

You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.

How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?

WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.

TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*

I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another

“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.

Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?

Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive

Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome

Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?

When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”

turning my gender off to conserve energy

My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.

I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”

WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.

ME: *barely audible* a detourist

WIFE: Get out.

I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)