The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
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I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
me: I’m eating a new piece of cheese every day
them: is it for an advent calendar
me: no
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Person: What’s your handicap?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]