Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago

Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha

God *creates salt*

I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.

If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”

Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat

ME: We’re adopting a baby!

FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?

ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension

“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words

How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?

There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣

[taking a hearing test]

DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard

ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work

DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones

Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.

I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.

[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?

FUN FACT:

Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.

Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.

I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.

Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.

This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!

I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left

I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.

If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.

By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.

Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.

Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.

[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color

Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”

Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.

I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.