The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
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I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are