The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
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How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
cry laughing at this shit
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬