The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
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[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
happy mother’s day❤️
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
accurate
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
When you’re Kinky but poor
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.