Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even

Saturday

“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.

When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours

me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong

waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good

me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow

Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode

Mom: More pie?

Me:

Mom:

Me:

Mom:

Me: Yes, obviously

It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.

if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to

“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels

Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?

Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN

Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?

Kangaroo: Oh nevermind

Free will was a bad idea.

I should have charged for it.

You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.

*baby starts crying*

When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”

When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”

Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.

ME: I have an appointment for 1:30

RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?

ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣

Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.

Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?

Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.

“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”

My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.

Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.

Piper is a cat.

Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?

Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.

Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?

Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.

kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again

has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?

me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot

him: that’s where the casket goes

INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?

ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?

I: um no that’s not

ME: I bet they use a puppercut

Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan

Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.

*uses falsetto voice*

MR. SMOOCHES!!

The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”