Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.

Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury

Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?

Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets

*Viewing apartments

Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…

Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts

Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.

[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline

Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?

Daughter: I don’t know.

Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.

Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.

Husband: Quick. What’s this song?

Me: Awful.

After hand washing your cat, put up to dry

I was on a search party in the forest last night.

Bit of a boring party.

We found a dead guy though.

Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!

We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.

When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.

Psssst.

Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it

Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.

Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for

People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.

[first date]

him: I’m a cat person.

me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand

My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.

“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*

Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.

Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i love health insurance

godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we

king kong: oh you’re one to talk

There are four main food groups:

1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.

I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.

Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’

Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’

Cashier: ‘Eh?’