The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
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Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
no!! no!!!!!!
New menu item
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.