The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
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GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
hello 911?
ok first of all, happy new year
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
hmmmmmm
The internet is magic sometimes.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.