The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
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Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
peep davidson
Eat…
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰