The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
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“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
One week of daily crunches and I have abs…urdly underestimated how long it will take to see results.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
First Date Idea: We throw on old-timey baseball uniforms and slowly walk out of corn fields to confuse people passing by.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
