The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
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[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Oh. My. God.
A male goth is called a broth.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date
Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
