The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
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I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
this came to me in a vision
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
oh my god
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Nomnomnomnom