Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
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Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
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Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
everyone’s a critic
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?