The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
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Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally