Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Size matters

– me, when alcohol is being poured

Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?

God: Yes.

Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?

God: Horizontal Pupils

Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*

God: YouTube is gonna love you.

“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”

i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper

Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.

Me: Got it.

[Later]

Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-

Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.

The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:

1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween

Vacation Summary:

I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.

CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.

What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.

Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.

They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most

You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened

Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.

McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?

Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?

Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize

Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.

Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.

Morning my dudes.

Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles

Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.

Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?

My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?

Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-

6: Is that because you keep giving it away??

Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?

Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer

My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing it

I have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him

This is motherhood

Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina

Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?

Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there

Cop:….

Me:..

Cop: sir, your tailamp is out

Me:…

I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.

ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

Before & after 😅

Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.