The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
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*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.