The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block

I know a sign from God when I see one

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ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this


Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore


Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.


*sees a fly*
*trying to swat fly*
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the


*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*


Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.


Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?

“Not with the proper treatment.”

*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*


The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.


Saying “let me show you how it’s done”

– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killer

Saying “this is how we do it”

– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck