Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.

Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.

Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians

A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?

Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:

“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.

*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear

It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?

ME: I taught myself how to play piano

INTERVIEWER: By ear?

ME: No, just with my hands

I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker

Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”

Me: I think you’re sweet…

Her: …Awwww…

Me: …and will eventually kill me.

Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.

This is my emotional support knife.

You’re never alone. Theres mold

If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.

I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me

I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…

Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.

I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.

Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.

i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.

My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.

The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse

Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.

When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”

Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.