Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock

Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate

i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket

Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.

My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.

The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.

[watching a movie]

Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?

Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor

Me:

Him:

Me: *eyes narrow*

Him: *eyes narrow*

*both start frantically googling*

If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.

online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”

I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:

InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”

My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.

Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.

ME: I wasn’t invited to the party

FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic

ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone

Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue

Honest job interview:

“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”

A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.

you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.

Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.

When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog

Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it

[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]

Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.

*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*

There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.

Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do

When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.

Purse Rules:

1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses

2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs