The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
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ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed
Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.