The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny. It was my newt.
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Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
◾️
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks