The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny. It was my newt.
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2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.