The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny. It was my newt.
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In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Is this anything
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children