Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.

There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other

Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!

ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*

MOM: *shouting* use your words!

MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*

You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place

There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao

911: what’s your emergency sir

me: I can’t find my butler

911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir

me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back

I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.

Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right

an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud

The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”

a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down

I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.

If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.

Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.

[meeting at amc network]

“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”

I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.

What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.

My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.

Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”

surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*

Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!

Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”

[Kitchen]

*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*

ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}

Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.

one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through

Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.

I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.