The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
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Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.