The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
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Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-