Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody:

Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?

Needless to say…*

*mic drop

Best spot.. 😅

I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious

It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.

WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*

“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”

philosophy professor: you must question everything

[later]

me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit

shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.

Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!

Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles

ME, 10: I want a big mansion

ME, 20: I want a cool apartment

ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest

mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul

wife: oh my god she’s possessed

me: you sure? I mean you know her better but

I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe

Hey dude that invented the unicycle…

Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle

Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today

AUNT: You look just like your dad.

ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.

People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!

My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis

Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.

Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows

…but like… what if I WANT new socks for Christmas?

Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.

colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan

my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”

I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.

#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes