Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”

See? My son can turn water into whine, too.

Your move, God.

HER: I’m breaking up with you..

ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !

The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.

BEETROOT

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with me

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea

#NationalPoetryDay

7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?

Me: Did you eat your greens?

7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream

Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!

hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees

My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!

Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.

Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me

“This steak is really chewy.”

*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*

A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.

My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.

a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes

Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.

I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).

Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.

The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.

Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.

I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.

I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.

Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell

Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.

Boss: Did you get my email?

Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.

He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink

[walking into museum]

i must read each and every description, really soak up the history

*after 20 minutes*

can i sit on this or is it art?

My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.

By far the dumbest thing I’ve made

We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:

Omelet Easydozen

Florentine Pepperbatter