Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.

inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?

18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.

When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.

Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.

me: you misspelled school

8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word

me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far

you: ant-man

me, an intellectual: uncle

My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.

[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started

My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.

what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????

But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.

Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.

Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing

“How do you speak with an American accent?”

“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”

sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school

Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.

*Smashes the Sony

*Destroys the Panasonic

*Pummels the Kenwood

*Rips apart the Pioneer

~breaking all stereotypes

AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.

Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .

The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.

My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone

“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.

Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.

Me: It’s the next exit.

Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*

Doctor: You suffer from delusions

Me: I don’t think so

Doctor: They seem real but they’re not

Stuart Little: He’s lying to you

Me: Yeah I know

sex so good you start seeing dead people..

oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that

Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me

Her: like a mom

Me: haha exactly, and—

Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili

Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off

Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?