The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
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I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?