The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
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*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
“you changed” bro i was 15
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
some Old Testament wisdom
OKAY DAD
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
wait.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*