Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.

Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free

sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much

What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.

–my dog

I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.

mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?

me: i was driving

mom: where are you now?

me: walking the dog

mom: you need better excuses

me: it’s the truth

mom: then put the dog on

me: he’s uh driving

When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.

I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.

How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.

Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.

Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe

Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’

Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.

Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.

I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.

The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses

I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.

[having a discussion]

BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse

Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”

Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”

*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*

[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]

*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”

I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today

i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on

My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.

[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.

“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds

Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?

Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me

I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.

I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.

When do they kick in?

me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software

me in 2023: any day now probably