All the answers you need in life are in that one movie your mom wouldn’t let you watch when you were seven.
The Wizard of Oz is my favorite children’s book that teaches us that it’s ok to steal shoes from someone as long as they’re dead.
You Might Also Like
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups