Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
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me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
me irl
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.