The Wizard of Oz is my favorite children’s book that teaches us that it’s ok to steal shoes from someone as long as they’re dead.

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ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow


*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*


Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.


Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.


Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.


Me: I just really want to kick this habit

Therapist: You want to kick nuns?

Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction

Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?

Me: punching nuns


[paleontology class]

PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?

STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?


STUDENT: *smug look*

PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous


Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.


Friend: Where’d you guys meet?

Me: Family reunion


I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.