Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”

Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.

i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

grandpa was shocked

I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot

boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means

me: it must be Wednesday

I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed

If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.

Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.

🙀

Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently

my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport

Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”

So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?

They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.

[first time at church]

me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups

I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”

Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.

fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work

airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”

ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.

There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.

i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things

I live alone.

The dryer is my closet.

My husband said we should have a ‘date night’

I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.

Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.

“Do you moan when you eat?”

Me, making small talk in an elevator

I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.

My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.