the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
