the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
