the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
she has a point
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
omg leave her alone
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
